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태그 : 김연아
- 2010/02/16 23:55
- starryhead.net/2542440
- 덧글수 : 2
1.
a colorful habit I recently picked up
The thing is, I fucking can't finish a single fucking sentence without using fucking as a spice. It's like I spit 'fuck it' and then starts to realize what I have just said. This can get real funny when you do it in front of nineteen-year-olds who think I am some sort of a saint (because I never get upset - perfect disguise, ha) When a photocopier didnt work or when I tried to place the phone number of a student and failed it, I said fuck, fuck it, or colorful variations of the word using them as adjectives, adverbs, or modifiers. Fucking great. My mother will kill me if she knows this.
If I have to self-advocate for being what I have been like thesedays, skins is to blame. You know, the skins, a British TV show, mentioned in my previous blog, full of 'wankers and tossers'. (I kinda came to like thses words too.) Eighty percent of what these kids say consists of three main words; wanker, tosser and all the beautiful variations of fuck.
I know I am trying to instill in me nothing more than a load of crap. But I think I am highly language-susceptible. The funny thing is that I am also picking up a British accent. I do that without even realizing it. One boy who is going to KIS asked me 'What s got into you , AJ?'
2.
I have been seeing someone. I have a very reasonable doubt that my blog might look like a sick version of Bridget Jones' diary somehow - whom I met and broke up with, plus all the details of how I or (more conveniently) 'He's screwed everything up. Well, fuck it. Be it whatever it may be.
Back to this guy I am seeing. He is tall, two years younger, went to high school and got his bachelor's degree in China, runs his own business in Shanghai-well, actually a very small shop selling fashion items and a China-based website dealing with the same goods from his store, cute, completely uncontrolling and egalitarian (this is a very very crucial element for me), nice, comfortable to be with, active, good in bed lol, candid, straightforward, very protective of me ( I havent decided whether to like this or not, though), loves his family, sincere to our relationship, far from slick, and most of all, decent. Nice, I mean. If someone asks me what qualities I hate most about guys, I would definitely say someone who is mean and sly. Even to the one he s supposed to make sure not to hurt. Not just hate em, I abhor them. Loathe them. If anything worse that can happen in my life than meeting a scumbag (translates: selfish, slick, self-complacent smartass full of sense of inferiority who is always ready to act like a chronic loser), it would be fucking a porcupine. (Whatev.) Anyhow, I basically like him because he is nice and not mentally crippled.
3.
All the applications have ended and now I got a portion of my liberty back, which I deserve. Everything s up in the air regarding my career. Teaching is fun and having all the fun with my students while getting paid is extremely cool, but the thing is that I want to do something more challenging and meaningful. What are thoose? I dont know. They can vary. I am too old to take risks people might say. But I dont have anything to lose to begin with. Many a time I think of just fleeing abroad exploiting a pretty excuse like UN volunteer and all. Of course this is still an option. I am open to all possibilities. Last year was the last one where I could make all the errors and still be safe, I guess. The good times are over, AJ. If you dont think you are meant to be fucked up for eternity, you gotta do some real thinking. Hard. Meanwhile, it s important to appreciate every moment. How? The question still lingers, and I ve gotta think even harder. Fucking thinking. Screw it. Why the hell can I not live a life where I can do first and think later? Fuck.
4.
현군 left for Iraq one month ago. Almost forgot it. He is always there, as a friend, but we dont have any memorable piece of reminiscence to share except for some crazy night outs for drinking. Well, we took some classes together, come to think of it. One of them was something like local government law crap. The professor was a guy from ministry of justice. He always sounded lost in his own lecture. We damn laughed a lot. I feel sorry for him now, but back then we couldnt help it. We were such smartasses trying to sound clever to each othr when the professor acted like a real moron. Seriously, I feel really bad that I have to talk like this. But he more often than not fucking stammered. But what can I say now? Those good times were gone. What s worse is that we didnt even realize they were good.
5.
I am not looking to commit suicide or anything. It s just that I hope to find the meaning of my life. Could there be such a blessing for me? What the fuck was I born for? What difference would I be able to make about my own life? This world?
It has recently occured to me that I should have become a vet.
6.
Am I crazy if I still get to talk about hope? The world is full of miserable people and pathetic losers but I feel I can find the reason to be alive and not die. Mind you, I am not in any way feeling suicidal. I dont feel empty anymore. Emptiness, my permanent disease. Well, used to be. Because I came to open my eyes and see that I didnt have to draw a box around me from the beginning. A box waiting to be filled. There s no such thing as an empty box anyone or anything should stuff with extrinsic triviality.
태그 : 혼잣말
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